An update...after two years and more

Before I started to work on this blog as an update, I actually only wanted to say: when something has been bothering you and makes you feel real bad, if only we could just dump it on a piece of paper (or in this very modern world, on a webpage like what I'm doing right now), then it is gone forever. No bitter coming-back memories. No trauma, no damage done. Volia, like a pure clean new page

Eventually, this is obviously not how it works in real life. At least never in my life. I'm carrying a heavy heart. It's good and bad. I can live with it anyway ^_^.

Here follows what I HAVE TO say, as this is an update after a long time. 

First, what I did during this time. Quite important, and I think right now even writing about it cheers me up a bit :P. Yes I, more precisely we, Lele and I, have welcomed a new cute member to our family. Chenchen, it is. 

After the birth of Chenchen, my body recovered quickly and soon got back to what it used to be (I think so :P). What I really had to face with were those huge changes in my life. From mostly only taking care of myself to having to take care of a little weak baby who is really depending on me. Very few time and space left for myself. From a working lady with somewhat (:P) career to a housewife-like figure. Waking up in the morning, I was not thinking about my working tasks for today. Everything about the baby, from top to bottom, filled my head up. I was not having my working calendar with me. Instead, I was taking notes of the baby's schedule (when he had meals, when he pooped). For a long time, I only wore slippers everyday. Yes I could have a sweater with baby spillings on me for a week. 

How could I have stood these changes? ^_^ I haven't mentioned what have come along with the changes. It is first of all the baby himself. The most wonderful gift of my life. And the joy and happyness he has brought to us. When you have got such a great chance to witness a human being growing up, I mean, you are on this front seat, and you are so closely involved, you are just so grateful that you don't even notice those changes which could have bothered you a lot. It is such a mysterious process. And the benefits are not just mental-wise :P. You really get to hug the baby, touch him, and tease him. It is the most sweet experience. However hard ice you have in your heart, it is melting.

Now I've come back to work. Admittedly, I was a bit nervous at the very beginning, worrying that getting used to working could be quite difficult for me after a one-year-plus maternity leave, that I couldn't really achieve as much as I used to, that my old high performance wouldn't be back with me. Well, it turned out to be quite OK. Surely I've actually done plenty of preparation already. I completed a post-doc proposal right before coming back, which, was not really motivated by my own ambition, but was to make my boss happy. Goal accomplished, it seems.To me, I just took it as a helpful warming-up activity. In addition, I was in fact never really totally away from work. Taking care of small research-related errands (presentations for conference, inputs to papers and book chapters), working real hard to finish the final steps of my Ph. D. Oh right, I now have a title, Dr. Ing. It took great effort, like a long-haul battle. Seldom fierce but there had been occasions when I did feel worn out. Interestingly it had never been my target, like there are people who just aim at a degree. I just took it as a job, doesn't matter I truly like it or not. I've been good at it and I've been making a living with it. Fair enough.

Apart from all these, I do believe that I've become braver. Because I've experienced the most difficult things, giving birth to a baby and being raising him up. The pain, the concern, the responsibility...it is hard to describe. It's like, after you've done all of these, there's nothing you cannot do. When you're worried it could be stressful at work, you should know at least you could always negotiate, with your colleagues, with you boss. You can never do that with a baby. When he is hungary, you must feed him immediately. When it is time to change his diaper, you are on it righ away. When he is tired and sleepy but cannot fall in asleep himself, crying, hard, you spend no effort to lull him to asleep, even if you yourself also need a rest and some peace. After such a year that could be labelled "non-negotiable" perhaps :P, I feel stronger. Not just I can carry my 12-kilo baby single-handed ^_^. I feel strong inside. I'm a proud mama who has a beautiful child and a happy family. 

People like to make comparisons quite spontaneously. I did cannot stop paying a bit attention to what my colleagues had achieved at work while I was away, say, how many paper they had published. Looking back at myself, wow, I had raised a baby from 3.2 kilo to 12 kino (I'd say from this big to this big with gestures if I had been telling you in person, and you would have felt how proud I had been). Isn't it just wonderful? I take it as very significant achievement. 

Well, time to pick up Chenchen from Kita. Let's stop here. I wanted to call this a brief update when writing the subject. Hohoho. Don't blame me. I've been summarizing two whole years ^_^.